Summary of 2014 - the BEST year of my life!

by Bex

So much has happened this year, it's hard to know where to start!  We've been through so many life changes including moving house (450 miles away no less!) and having babies (twins no less!) and a new job for Nik.  There has been a lot of stress involved of course, moving when 6 months pregnant with twins wasn't fun and trying to get the new house sorted in time since we were very aware that most twins come early gave us quite a deadline!  Anyway, here is my 2014 summary, it's pretty much all about the babies!

This is quite different to last year's recap!  This time last year I was feeling pretty low after our year of failed IVF attempts.  I was losing all hope of having a family and the start of 2014 was my lowest point.  What a difference a year makes!  If you could have told me we'd be a happy family of 4 by the end of this year I could have coped so much better with our two years of traumatic treatment failures.  Sadly, life doesn't work like that but looking back over this year has been SO MUCH FUN now we've had our happy IVF ending!

We'll forget about January & February but in March we finally had our successful implantation!  That alone made me so happy, even though I was expecting that stage to fail, we finally felt we'd had our chance at becoming pregnant.

Little did I know that our wee strong embryos were clingers but Kalyan & Priya hung in there making our dreams come true!  We found out just before Mother's Day and I was so excited to share our news on the blog on such an apt day :)

A few days later, in April, we headed off to Thailand (our post-treatment getaway in case of yet more disappointment) just 5 weeks pregnant!  We ended up seeing very little of Thailand due to my horrendous morning sickness kicking in after 3 days in Phuket.

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It ended up being less of an exploration of a fabulous country and more of an R&R getaway as I mostly just wanted to sleep and often had to hide in the hotel room from strong smells and smoking guests!  I lived on baked potatoes and dry cereal until we returned home and I mostly lived on ham sandwiches and potato waffles for the first few weeks!

Such bad nausea and vomiting was a clue to the fact we were expecting twins!!

The first glimpse of our twins at 7 weeks!

We were so excited, our little 2 for 1 bundles!  This year has gone SO fast, I loved documenting my pregnancy and getting excited about my growing bump - even when it wasn't visible to anyone else, I was so proud of my teenie bump as I started to show.

http://olivedragonfly.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/12-weeks.html

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At 18 weeks we bought a house.  After a couple of false starts, we ended up with the perfect place and we finally had a date for our move!

It wasn't long before we got to see the babies again at 20 weeks and found out the amazing news that we were having a boy AND a girl!  It felt like all our good luck had been saved up for so long and we were getting it all at once.  Still are!

After that it was all go as we had scans every 4 weeks and had to get organised for the big move south!  Although I couldn't buy much for the twins due to moving, I still had fun buying a few small bits and pieces and of course, had lots of Pinterest inspiration and started making plans for their room.

Of course I had to get some gorgeous images to record my amazing pregnant body and I absolutely loved all the maternity photo shoots with Louise and Lauren in Glasgow and then Laura just a couple of weeks before the birth down in Sussex!  I also took lots of selfies of course to record the bump at all stages...

We had a great leaving party in Glasgow and celebrated our pregnancy with a fantastic baby shower in Sussex and a last minute babymoon near our new home, all of which gave me some great excuses to get dressed up.

Glammed up for our leaving do

And baby shower

It was a bit of a rush to get our new home sorted in time for the birth but with Mum's help and some fantastic tradesmen, we had it pretty much as we wanted it with just minor things still to do.  I have lots to blog about the house and will eventually get round to it.  I'm so glad to have been able to finally get the nursery done and photographed though, I just love it!  :)

And then the babies were here!

Since then my instagram has become the ultimate baby spam!  I can't stop taking and sharing photos of our gorgeous babes, it makes up for not having time to blog properly.  Being a Mummy is just the most amazing thing, I feel blessed every day.  I can't describe the feeling I get watching them sleep, grow, change and develop their little individual personalities.  Their smiles are so infectious and I don't need to tell you how cute they are, just look...

I haven't had much time to blog about all the things I want to but I am making notes and hope to write more soon, once I get into my own routine without the luxury of having Mum here to help - she goes home on Friday, eek!  I've just been spending any spare time (i.e. when they're asleep) taking/editing photos of babies, sleeping or just catching up on every day stuff.  Christmas has certainly been a bit thrown together this year but we did have a beautiful tree and a few new decorations which I hope to share before Christmas is forgotten entirely for this year!

What a difference a year makes!  Life is just so different now and we couldn't be happier!  I cannot wait for everything this year brings :D

In the paper!

by Bex

Lots of exciting stuff is happening today people, not only are we spending our first full day in our new house (Eeeep!  You can follow me on instagram for inevitable house updates!) but I'm also being featured in an article written by Michelle about how writing openly about IVF on my blog and my lovely readers helped me cope throughout our horrendous experience over the last couple of years, complete with happy ending of course!

Then & Now
(Unfortunately Nik was working nights when I had my maternity shoot with Louise in our wedding park.)

Some of you may know Michelle as the ex-editor of SWD magazine and I got to know her when our wedding was featured in it back in 2011 and via Gemma who also used to work there.  Anyway, Michelle got in touch with me a few weeks ago to ask if I'd be interested in an interview to discuss the IVF, the blog and my readers now that we're pregnant.  Of course, any excuse for a chinwag over dinner, I was happy to chat about it.  I've always said how I wish it was easier for people to talk about subjects like IVF openly and I truly believe I would have coped much worse without the support I received here after each and every devastating disappointment.  Thank you again you lovely people!  Don't forget to run out and buy the Daily Record today if you fancy reading Michelle's article!

Pregnancy so far - thoughts, feelings and symptoms

by Bex

Although I have always written about everything we've faced throughout our IVF treatment, now that things seem to be going right, I am a bit more apprehensive about it.  Obviously I am super excited and really want to write about everything (and as I said, I think it gives a different view on early pregnancy as I can write about it as we go unlike many others who keep it secret for weeks) but I am also very aware of tempting fate.  Although we have finally made it this far, we are very conscious of the fact that so many things can still go wrong.  That might sound very pessimistic but I'm trying to be realistic.  As you know it's been a hard slog to get to this stage.  I truly lost hope that it would ever happen and now we're actually pregnant if we end up disappointed again I know I will take it extremely hard.  Obviously the positive is that we now know we CAN get pregnant but I'm so scared of losing this baby.

I'm also acutely aware that anyone who was following our IVF story and is in a similar situation, may now find anything I write extremely difficult to read, I know I felt like that when it seemed everyone else was getting their happy endings except for me (and Claire).  The thing is, and I hope this doesn't sound unreasonable, as much as I was jealous and sometimes found it hard to say my congratulations, I never begrudged anyone their happiness.  If I found it hard, I would either say nothing or say congratulations and then take myself away from the news, the happy messages and the joy.  I knew that if my turn did ever come that I would want to shout it from the rooftops too.  I want to be able to enjoy this time and share it with those who have supported me all along.  Having so often shared sad news and setbacks, it was so much fun and brought me so much happiness to be able to share our happy news (even if it was with a piece of plastic I'd peed on!)  Having waited so long to get to be a part of the pregnancy conversations and join in the baby chat without those feelings of jealousy and longing, I really want to immerse myself in being pregnant, finally being one of SO many of my friends who has been blessed with a positive result.

If anyone reading this or seeing my tweets/pins does find it hard, I completely understand.  I get it, I was there, I know the feelings.  I hope that you make it too and in the meantime, please try to understand my OTT reaction.  We finally get to be happy and really look forward.  By all means, stop reading and following if it's too much but please don't try to make me feel bad for sharing my happy news.  We deserve this, just like anyone else who's pregnant.  I'm sorry that so many of us struggle to get pregnant or give birth to healthy babies and I feel OH SO LUCKY just to have made it this far.  I am allowed to be ecstatic.  I am allowed to share my news and be happy in public.  Just as I shared my sadness.  If you don't get it or you don't like it, just leave.  Leave my feed, my blog, whatever, but please don't make me feel guilty.  There is already an element of that, now that we get to be the ones who are happy but to have it pointed out to us on our happiest days just seems cruel.  (If you didn't see this - yes, it happened, on the day I announced we were pregnant and it is hard and sad and I am trying not to let it get me down.)

So I will continue to write.  I want to be sensitive to those who are still struggling or who have had to deal with the most harrowing of losses but I have always written about my experiences on here and whatever happens, good or bad, I will write.  Obviously I'm hoping for good!

Anyway, this post was initially going to be about my pregnancy so far but obviously I had quite a bit relating to it on my mind.  I'm currently in week 5 of my pregnancy and have suffered only mild symptoms so far.  If I don't eat when I feel hungry (i.e. if I wake up super early as I have been and wait too long for breakfast) then I start to feel nauseous.  I am seriously tired most of the time.  I'd heard about this from many pregnant friends and while we're in Thailand I feel like it's a terrible waste as I have about 2 naps per day!  Goodness knows how I'll cope when I have to work and have no time for naps!  I'm trying to swim once a day to keep my body healthy and keep my energy levels up.  I'm pretty sure my body shape is still the same, other than my boobs being bigger (which Penny and Roz are loving pointing out on instagram!  lol).  I wasn't as fit as I wanted to be before the implantation so after a meal I can look like I have a bump already but to be honest, that was true even before!

[Edit: I'm now in week 6 and the pregnancy sickness (because it's clear it's not just in the morning) has really taken hold!  As much as I hate myself for complaining, oh it's hard.  I have no idea how so many women keep this first stage a secret while suffering so much, especially at work!  I remember Katie talking about the struggles she'd had travelling on the underground while sick and it just sounded awful!  I just keep telling myself it's a good sign, I wanted this (and paid for it!) and all the articles I read say that sickness is an indicator that you will likely have a healthy pregnancy with less chance of miscarriage.  So, yay for the horrendous nausea!  It does mean that I am no longer enjoying the yummy thai food, spiciness really isn't working for me right now but luckily both hotels have a good range of international foods all of which have been lovely.]

I have, of course as someone who loves knowledge, signed up to a weekly embryo and pregnancy information email and last week's advised me that calcium was particularly important for that stage of development.  I was a little worried that I might not manage to get enough in Thailand as I would be unlikely to be drinking milk (I'm not, the stuff they have out for the cereal isn't chilled enough) but it's actually been easy.  I'm taking pregnancy vitamins anyway but every day at breakfast I've had a decaf latte (the hotel makes really good ones!), some yoghurt from the buffet and miso soup which has a lot of tofu in it (a good source according to the email).  I really don't like slimy tofu but have been slurping down lumps of it with the soup every morning.

The food I was enjoying before the sickness kicked in!

Since we've moved to our new hotel this week, it's been a little bit more of a struggle at breakfast as we realised we'd been pretty spoiled at Swissotel.  They don't have decaf here, there's no miso soup, they don't have boiled eggs ready (waiting 10 minutes as well as getting them to understand that soft yolks are a bad thing is a bit annoying when you just need to eat!), they don't have smoothies (our last hotel spoiled us with 2 healthy option drinks at breakfast each morning - most of the 'juices' are actually squash, yuck), the yoghurt here is all incredibly sweet and the smells of the fatty foods here turn my stomach.  However, I discovered just this morning that the milk here at breakfast is VERY chilled and therefore I'm loving drinking that, yay!  I'm also finding potato is what helps with my nausea so I'm having fries with everything, even soup!

One of the major things I noticed in the first couple of weeks following implantation was my thirst!  I usually find it difficult to drink the recommended volume of water each day but I was constantly thirsty and downing 500ml bottles of sparkling water like nobody's business.  Obviously keeping that up in this hot, humid weather has also been easy and I've been enjoying the odd fruity mocktail as well.  And since my nausea has been worse, we've been buying 'dry ginger'.  We're not convinced it has any actual ginger in it but I like it and it seems to help.

Happy hour - My Shirley Temple and Nik's Mai Tai

I'm being as cautious as I can, considering how precious this wee embryo is to us and although I might be missing some of my usual foodie favourites and cocktails, I am still enjoying what food I can eat, safe in the knowledge I am doing the best I can for our baby.  I want it safe in there for as long as possible and missing out on the odd treat is nothing in comparison to the joy we feel that we have been given our chance.  I am actually pregnant!  We still keep saying this to each other.  It's amazing how difficult it is to get it to sink in!!

Saying that, we're enjoying being able to have the fun chats we always dreamed of.  Last week, on the super rainy day when I built a den on our balcony, we sat and made a list of baby names using a website as inspiration.  This week, I've introduced Nik to my 'baby stuff' Pinterest board and he loves most of the ideas on there.  We started a nursery ideas board together (and he now has the power to pin things to my boards, eek!) after seeing some lights we both liked at the thai market we went to last night (I know, I said I didn't want to tempt fate but sometimes you just have to grab opportunities) which have been purchased for our new home when we move.  I like them anyway, not just for a nursery.  It's fun being able to think about things like this again.  I haven't let myself for so long.

Overwhelmed

by Bex

So we did it.  We're where we never thought we'd be!  I'm terrified.  Not just of what is coming but what might go wrong.  We've been hit by so many unexpected disappointments after each success and we're at just as much risk of miscarriage as anyone (possibly more if it turns out to be twins).  Obviously I'm trying not to think about that and just to enjoy the moment.  I am pregnant, OH MY GOSH!

I guess because I have been writing about this openly for so long puts me in a somewhat unique (or at least rare) position as a non-anonymous blogger who can write about the early days of pregnancy as they happen.  It is much more common for the first 12 weeks to be kept secret.  Only a few of our 'real life' friends and relatives read my blog and we have (I think) told them all but until we have at least our first scan, we won't be doing 'the big reveal' to all.  However, you guys, who do read this blog have gone through this with me (crying again, wow these pregnancy hormones are strong!) and always believed for me and been there to hold my hand through the dark times.  You know I truly had given up at one point and that was the most difficult thing.  I think that's why, for now at least, it doesn't seem real that what we always wanted and hoped for is actually happening!

From a single cell...

So, anyway, the last week of waiting was hard.  I was convinced after week one following implantation that it hadn't worked.  I was very irritable at the weekend (sorry Nik) and thought it was PMS.  Twitter reassured me this wasn't necessarily true and that early pregnancy could also elicit these types of mood swings along with cramps, bleeding, etc.  I hadn't done much reading or research as I found it too much to deal with before.  On the Sunday night, having become paranoid my period was imminent (it was due Monday or possibly Tuesday) we decided to do a test just to see if it was negative.  We knew that within 7 days we might get a false positive due to the hCG injection I received just after the implantation to try to help my body hang onto those embryos!  We saw a faint line and were happy just to still have hope.  It was promising but as it was day 7, we put it down to the injection and decided to test again on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a horrendous day!  After two awful events, I decided I didn't want a negative test to be the third!  I went out for dinner that night and had a lovely time discussing ranting about my day with awesome friends who made me feel much better.  I was starting to feel seriously tired in the evenings though and head to head home straight after we'd eaten.  It didn't help that I'd started waking up at 4.30am every day either!  As a result of my early morning insomnia, I wasn't sure if that was my reason for tiredness or could it be that early pregnancy tiredness I'd heard so much about from friends?

Another clue was the sore boobs.  Again, could be related to an impending period so I didn't want to read too much into that either.  After Monday and Tuesday passed with no other signs though and my boobs were still sore I started to get more hopeful.  It's so hard trying to stay grounded after so many setbacks, I didn't want to get ahead of myself but on Wednesday morning I took another test.  Two days after my period was due and with Sunday's faint line to compare with, I knew this one was a definite positive.  Nik wasn't home from his night shift yet and I had to go to work so I wrote him a letter and hid it with the two tests in his cufflink box in our bedroom.  I didn't think he'd find it and called him on my way home at lunchtime to tell him to open the box.  He read my soppy, excited letter and knew I was on my way home anticipating his excited face.  He had 10 minutes to let it sink in before I got back to a confused face - he wanted verbal confirmation!  lol.

Until we had our blood test on Friday, we didn't want to get too ahead of ourselves but did tell our parents and a few special people.  The reactions were amazing, with a lot of swear words, lol.  And I loved all of the comments on yesterday's brief announcement post!  :)

I went to see a friend on Friday evening to tell her.  Her 6 year old daughter (my flower girl) heard me say I'm pregnant and she declared, "I know what that means!  You have a baby in your tummy!" and then wrote me this:

The blood test confirmed everything looked good, healthy levels of hCG.  This is happening.  Eeeek!  :)

Happy Mother's Day

TO ME!!!

We are thrilled, shocked and cautiously excited!

Progress!

by Bex

Oh.  My.  God.

I still can't quite believe it!  They did it.  They got through the crazy cervix.  Our embryos survived and we have 2 of them inside me right now!  I'm officially an incubator!  It feels so weird.  We won't know if I'm actually pregnant for a couple of weeks but at least we have finally had our proper chance.  This entire experience over the last 18 months since being referred has been so difficult, hitting walls at each and every stage.  To have finally managed to get to the end point of treatment feels miraculous!

I know this doesn't mean anything.  It still might not, or never work.  But just having had a proper chance at last is a huge step and it means we can try again if this cycle fails.  It's not over yet and I really thought it would be.  I really was prepared for the end.

It turns out that despite a very trepidatious specialist doing our procedure and discussions of likely outcomes and possibilities including transmyometrial transfers (almost never successful), he was able to navigate my cervical canal with not too much trouble this time.  Having the MRI meant he could visualise the way in and he managed to get around all the bends and get our embryos where they need to be!  I am delighted and quite shellshocked.  It hasn't quite sunk in yet as this was the least likely result!

The little white spot in the circled grey smudge is the fluid containing our embryos, sitting in my endometrium!

Obviously it's not over yet and there could be more disappointment coming our way but I don't even care at the moment.  I'm just happy to have some hope back!  Plus, we'll be flying off to Thailand when we find out so either way, we'll have some R&R to look forward to whatever the outcome.  I'll either be diving or snorkelling, indulging in cocktail happy hours or sipping fruity concoctions.  :)

Thanks so much for all of your happy (and tearful in some cases) responses to our news on Instagram/Twitter on Monday!  Fingers crossed they stick!  Who knows, maybe we'll still get our 2 for 1 ;)

It worked! 

In the meantime I am trying to keep busy and think about it as little as possible, lest I drive myself mad wondering.  The first couple of days I took it easy, full on pyjama days, making lists for house selling/holiday planning and watching various TV shows and films while blogging.  On Wednesday I left the house to meet Roz for a lovely lunch at Jacker de Viande followed by some accidental (but minor) holiday shopping in Primark and H&M.  Afterwards I went for a swim because I have been trying to be healthier and swimming was actually encouraged by the doctors as a non-impact sport.  I only had to avoid exercise following the sedation for a day.  Plus, I will be wearing a bikini in 2 weeks so every little helps to tone up!  I have got lots more decluttering done and am generally feeling pretty good.

Today I have 2 more 'dates' with a couple of friends, Pammie in the morning for gooey hot chocolate at the Chocolate Factory and then Lynsay for bubble tea in the afternoon!  :)  I'll be in work on Friday morning before meeting Briony for lunch and then meeting a couple of estate agents for some valuations of our flat!  Keeping busy is certainly helping during this waiting stage.  I have a Yelp event on Saturday and a couple of nights out next week to look forward to as well and by then it will be just days until our holiday so whatever happens, I have lots to do.  Nik is kept busy at work as usual (he's been on nights again this week but since I've been home I've been able to see him in the mornings) but we have this weekend off together and I think we'll just concentrate on the big move as we have so much to organise!

Off on our holidays!

by Bex

Well, we finally have a holiday booked!  It always seems to be last minute with us!!  Having only just (half) confirmed Nik's annual leave, we've managed to get a holiday for the only time he can go.  There was an option in May but then we'll need to be available for flat viewings, house hunting and the best one of all - a humanist naming ceremony for which we've asked to be Guide Parents (kind of like Godparents without the religion)!  We leave in 2 weeks!  I'm still waiting for confirmation on our first hotel choice (we're staying in two places) and will share more details soon but we're off to Thailand!!

Image Source

I have always wanted to go to Thailand but it's either never been the right time for me or for the weather over there!  It just happened to be the best option for this time of year and at short notice for this trip.  I'm glad it's all finally sorted and just at the right time.  As you read this I am probably fasting, sedated or recovering.  Today they are attempting for the second time to gain access through my crazy S shaped cervical canal to implant 2 of our thawed embryos.  This time I will be asleep so they don't have to worry about me but other than that, there's not anything else they can try.  It's kind of a last ditch attempt really.  (If you're new to the blog you can read about our IVF experiences here.)

I am not expecting it to be successful which is a good thing as I'm not sure I could take another crash.  Obviously there is a little hope there (or they wouldn't be trying again) but I am trying not to feel excited this time as I took it so hard to leave without any embryos inside me after the last attempt in September.  After everything we've been through, all the hurdles before even that one, I can't take anything else unexpected so I am expecting it to fail.  Still fingers crossed by some miracle they manage to get round the bends and place our little embryos where they need to be!

In case you didn't see this before - here is our best embryo developing from 1 tiny cell in the very beginning - so amazing to watch!

Anyway, this time I am feeling more prepared for disappointment.  I have the week off work (with the option of going back Friday if I feel up to facing people) and lots to get on with in that time.  I have booked a few estate agents to come and value the flat so I have to get it sorted asap so no moping if it doesn't work, now we know where we're going to live, I can think about the future again, with or without children for now.  I've already been checking out Brighton and Hove adoption services just in case.  (I will share more on our thoughts about adoption soon as there are lots of thoughts!)

I also have our holiday to look forward to.  Just us, 2 weeks in a tropical paradise with the option of diving if I'm not pregnant (a positive of failure I guess!) as I've always wanted to dive here and we'll be near one of the world's most amazing dive locations, the Similan islands.

Image Source

And if we can't dive, we're staying in some lovely, yet bargainous, hotels in Phuket and Khao Lak which is also near a National Park (Elephants) and the beach (relaxing) and both have spas and lovely pools!  As you know, we also love food and exploring the nearby towns with various streetfood and other local delicacies to try will also be great fun!  (Although we'll have to be very careful about peanuts over there!)  "Mai sai peanut - mee pare", apparently!

And of course, I will be taking lots of my own photos to share when we return!  

I think it will be a pretty perfect de-stressing therapy whatever happens.  Two weeks of chillaxing in the sun, can't be bad  ;)  Obviously we should really be saving, saving, saving for our new home in Brighton but sometimes you just need a holiday.  I really think this counts as need in our case.  We've had a tough six months (well, 18 months really since finding out about our infertility) and some time away together is just ideal right now.

Sod's Law?

by Bex

So, we have a plan.  It's a very low chance plan but it's a plan.  I am extremely realistic about this plan.  I do not expect it to work.  The doctors decided that they won't try the dilation again as my cervix is so curvy in it's S shape that the rigid metal instruments won't get round the bend without causing damage and preventing any further attempts to get through the canal successfully.  My private doctor has seen my MRI and is going to try to gain access for an FET (frozen embryo transfer) by sedating me heavily so he can manipulate my body how he needs to without worrying about me.  I guess being prepared for and having seen in detail the shape of my cervical canal this time, he may be able to navigate through to implant into my uterus but as I said, I don't have high hopes.  The last time it was attempted, we could see the catheter curling back on itself when it hit the corner so unless they have some slightly more sturdy tubes, I'm not sure they will be able to get round the bend regardless of my positioning.  Anyway, at least they are willing to give it a go and we have nothing to lose at this stage given that we have 6 embryos just waiting there.  This time though, I will not be excited when we attend for the procedure.  I will not be expecting to come out declaring that I am now officially an incubator and laying horizontally praying for clingy embryos for days after.  By thinking in this way, I am hoping to avoid the inevitable crash as our final hopes (because lets face it, we can't avoid having that little voice that says 'but it just might work...') fade to oblivion.

I am kind of hoping for sod's law to help us out though.  I naively wanted to avoid my baby being born in December when we first started trying as my birthday is in December and celebrating it has always disappointed me as it can be difficult for people when there is so much else going on in that month.  If this attempt works and we have a successful, full term pregnancy, we'd be due in December.  OBVIOUSLY this is no longer an issue for me.  I'd much rather that than no baby ever.  Maybe the universe is trying to teach me a lesson.

Also, if you believe in signs, this is currently for sale...

Mini adventures

by Bex

As much as I worry about publishing very personal posts, after I do, I tend to feel some kind of relief.  Although I wonder if people want to read about my depressing moments and I'm concerned about seeming like an attention seeker, in the end it boils down to the fact that this is my blog, my wee space in a very large blogosphere and if people don't like it, they don't have to read it.  I write first and foremost for me.  I've been lucky in that whenever I do post anything like this, I have only received love and support.

Anyway, after publishing everything I've been bottling up for the last couple of weeks, I started to feel brighter and Nik had just finished another run of nights.  While I was feeling so down (unfortunately I have a bad habit of dwelling on more bad stuff when I'm sad) I worked out that in the last 40 days (basically since my birthday) Nik has spent 28 of those either working nights, evenings or away on a course and we've had just 2 weekends together out of the last 5.  Normally I can cope with this quite well, I have plenty of things to keep me busy, blogging and crafting for example or seeing friends when they're not busy.  But when we're also dealing with all of this on top it becomes more difficult.  Things should settle down when the new job starts but obviously that doesn't help much in the meantime.

What does help is being able to have little adventures together, be they just nice evenings out in Glasgow or weekends away when we can.  We really want to book a holiday but until Nik's interview is out of the way and we have his rota for the next few weeks we can't make any plans yet.  Friday night really helped though.  We decided to go out for dinner and Nik had heard of yet another new burger place which opened in Glasgow recently, Jacker de Viande.  He'd read a review somewhere, in which the writer thought this was the best of the new bunch, so we decided to check it out for ourselves!  There'll be a proper review coming soon but we loved it!

We then headed out for more cocktails in Grill on the Corner (I wanted another one of those Elderflower Martinis!) and The Living Room.  We were having so much fun I said I didn't want to go home.  Then I thought, why don't we be spontaneous and just not go home?  I suggested we just check into a local hotel and extend our evening of escape for even longer.  Why not, we have no responsibilities - the fish can survive a night alone and it might feel like a mini holiday if we just stayed away from home for a night.  So we did!

I sampled the Elderflower Gin and After Eight Martinis!

I tweeted and Nik searched online for deals and he managed to find a great one for Grand Central Hotel, our wedding hotel!  He found a deal which included breakfast so we could have a nice lazy morning in the hotel.  It was great, it was so exciting to just go and check into a hotel at midnight with no luggage (even if that may cause some amusement/speculation to the hotel staff!).  They asked us if we had stayed there before and we explained it was our wedding hotel and we'd been back for Valentine's day before too.  No free upgrade this time though ;) but our room was lovely and as we prepared to head down to the bar for some Prosecco to take back to our room (we didn't want to pay the room service charge) there was a knock at the door and room service had brought us two glasses of pink fizz to welcome us back to the hotel!  So lovely!

The best thing was the feeling of escape from normal life, even just for one night.  Crisp, white sheets on a big, comfy bed with chocolates and fizz then a lazy morning watching TV in bed (we don't have a TV in our bedroom at home) and bacon and eggs followed by pancakes with numerous cups of tea.  Check out wasn't until 12 so we got back in bed after breakfast and stayed until the very last moment before hopping on a train home.  It was just what we needed.  I can't wait to book a proper break away.

I did miss my toothbrush though, I was relieved to get home and brush my teeth the next day!  ;)

Since the weekend, I've been sleeping a bit better too and that definitely helps with the coping!  I went to my GP today (Monday) and she was wonderful.  Talking to her about it helped as well and she was very sympathetic and supportive.  She looked up my MRI results for me to try to put my mind at rest and although I still need to wait for the specialist appointment next week to find out the next plan, I now know that my cervix is S-shaped with no other abnormalities and not some crazy corkscrew or other impossible passage (which I had in my head) and the GP seemed positive that they might try the operation to straighten it out again.  She is also sorting out a referral for counselling for me and although she said through psychiatry it may take up to a year, she's going to try a different path first to see if I can be seen by someone to get some support a bit sooner as we have so much going on and she agreed I would benefit from talking to a professional.  She also offered some advice regarding anxiety and work, etc. so I'm feeling a bit more in control of that now which helps when so much of the rest of life is currently out of my control.

We've also booked our flights to Bristol on Thursday (although we're still waiting to see if they've managed to get cover for Nik's whole weekend at work so we don't know whether we're coming back Sat or Sun yet!) and I am planning more fun weekends with friends.  I just need some little things to look forward to to keep reminding me of other good things in life.  It's all too easy to become consumed in this vicious IVF world of limbo with no control - what feels like waiting forever while getting no-where, especially in our case when we've come up against so many brick walls at every stage.  I'm grateful that I have so many people to help pull me out of it when I get stuck there.

So basically, thanks again for all the support during my meltdown last week and know that I am on the mend mentally.  (Although no promises about any future meltdowns I'm afraid!  There's still a lot to get through!)  It's amazing how much getting some better sleep and other little things can make everything seem more positive after feeling like I was in such a deep dark hole.

xxx

Pretending

by Bex

Although I am aware that sometimes I might be a bit depressing and I have started to worry that it seems like I'm going on about IVF and so pretending might be a good option for the sake of a happier (although less honest) blog.  But I've been trying to fool myself into being happy and positive and thought that behaving as if I am happy and positive might make it be.  I want to be the inspirational person who faces something difficult and deals with it well.  The person who writes quotes such as these...

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272973129306/

The truth is, I am not coping.  I tried to be that person and I failed.  I am not happy.  I am not feeling positive and I have no courage.  My hope is gone.

Even just a few months ago, around the time of our second round of IVF, when I really didn't know if fertilisation would fail again, if that would be it, duff eggs, no embryos for us, I was still hopeful.  You can ask Roz, I was having crazy ideas of us announcing pregnancies on the blog together, thinking of how amazing maternity leave would be, being able to spend it with one of my best friends.  Having each other to rely on for advice during sleepless nights and general 'what do I do?' support.

For the last couple of weeks I've been struggling and this last week (which I'm really hoping is mainly down to hormones) I have been really very sad.  I'm crying as I write this and I had to come home early from work today (Wed) as I kept getting tearful, not very professional and I am just exhausted at the moment.  I've been relying on books lately to keep me occupied and see me through the latest bout of waiting.  But now even that is difficult.  I can't seem to stop the thoughts.  All the time.

Even the other things I use for distraction aren't working at the moment.  'THE THOUGHTS' are triggered by so many things.  Twitter - bad idea.  I really didn't want this to be an issue.  I don't want to avoid others' happy news but SO many of my friends are now pregnant and have babies, there's no getting away from it, sometimes it seems like that's all their lives are about and it's all they have time for which I'm sure I would feel like if I was lucky enough to be in that position but it just adds to the feeling I have of being left behind.  It just reminds me of what I'm missing and will probably never get to be a part of.  As much as I want to be the cool, fun aunt to these babies and not the jealous person I seem to have become, I just can't help it.  But that's the thing about life - try as you might, you can't control it.  And I'm having a hard time controlling how I deal with that.  My plan of letting go isn't working.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272973035099/

'The thoughts' at the moment mostly revolve around never.  All the things I am convinced I will never get to do, to experience and I'm having trouble coming to terms with that.  The thing for me is that when things are going wrong, I cope by thinking about what to do next, about the plan.  Now it's come to this and I don't know what to do next.  I have no plan.  I can't see where we go from here.

TV is another distraction which is backfiring - the other day it was The Simpsons that set me off.  Maggie had a baby book.  I still love looking through my own baby book that my mother filled in.  I remember buying one for the first close friend of mine who became pregnant.  I couldn't wait to be able to make one of my own and now I fear I never will.  The Johnson's baby advert which is on at the moment, all about how amazing having a baby is, the start of new life - it had me in tears.

I know you might try to tell me that it isn't over yet, that I am giving up prematurely.  The thing is, I just don't believe it will happen for us anymore.  There have been so many apparently rare things discovered about us along the way, I really think it's just not meant to be.  Even this last one was supposed to be easily fixed by a simple op and even that couldn't happen.  I'm still waiting on the results of my MRI but Nik is convinced that they are just looking to figure out why it didn't work rather than to see if they can try again, he doesn't see what they can do any differently.  I won't find out for another two weeks for definite but I feel like this is the end.  I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

I try to think about the positives - we won't have to worry about sleepless nights or nappies or vomit all over us or the worry and illnesses, time off work and all the stuff you need to spend money on.  But really, I mainly think about the stuff we'll be missing out on.  The good stuff I've read and heard so much about.  The love, being a proper little family, making people grandparents and uncles, sharing happy news with our world and having things to look forward to for the rest of our lives.  People talking about how our child looks like us.  The photos.  Oh, the photos.  If you know me at all, you know how important photographs are to me.  After our wedding, some of you know I was a bit disappointed with quite a few of our photos.  I swore then and even said to Nik, that when I got pregnant I was going to pay for a really good bump photoshoot.  We may not have one amazing wedding photo of us to have on the wall but we would damn well make sure we got a good one of us starting our family and showing off the happiest moment since our wedding.  There are dozens more, all sorts of little and big moments I have imagined that are now just the 'nevers' going round my mind.  It makes it hard to see what good things might ever happen.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272968884597/

I'm not ready to let go yet.  I can't.  I guess that's my biggest problem at the moment.  Fear of the future.  All I feel at the moment is what's the point?  I currently have nothing to look forward to.  Nothing.  I have no idea what kind of life is waiting for us.  We're supposed to be going to Bristol next week yet it still isn't booked as Nik can't confirm that weekend off for his interview.  It would be a nice break but it's mainly to check out the place as it's on the list of jobs starting later this year.  I try to hope that moving will be a good thing but without knowing even where it will be it's hard to look forward.  We have no idea which placement we'll be given and without a baby or the potential for one, I am again fearful of what life will be like wherever we go.  Being a Mum was supposed to be my life at the moment.  And that life is gone.  I know we never had it to start with but I still feel like I'm grieving.  So what is my life now?  That is where the sadness comes from.  What is the point?

I've been thinking about this for a couple of days now, I'm still not sure if I'm even going to publish this post.  I know it's depressing and just having written it feels a bit of a relief.  I just want people to understand why I'm retreating again.  I can't face work at the moment, I feel terribly guilty as I know people are relying on me being there but this morning, the thought of going in and having to face members of the public and maintain my professional persona is just too much to bear.  I don't have the kind of job where I can just go in and hide and get on with work.  I woke up this morning and instantly felt sick thinking about it and I called Nik (who was finishing up his night shift) and burst into tears.  I think I might now be dealing with anxiety as well.  Most of my colleagues are very supportive and sympathetic.  I've already called my doctor about possibly getting referred for counselling.  I think I need to talk to a professional about everything I'm feeling and hopefully they can give me some guidance on how to move on.

I'm currently trying to work through all these emotions and just concentrate on things that might make me happy.  Yesterday on my day off I slept all morning (I haven't been sleeping well at night - the thoughts usually attack then!) and then spent all afternoon planning an outfit, getting ready and painting my nails.  I was invited to a menu launch and knew some friends were going and thought it might do me some good.  I had a nice time but then I got home to our empty flat and again, the thoughts came.  I didn't get to sleep until very late.

This is not what I thought life would be like.  A future without any chance of a baby is not what I thought I'd have to deal with in my life.  We have been thinking more about adoption lately and I started writing more about that here but I've decided I need to learn to cope with how I'm feeling at the moment before I start discussing that.  Amy's also pointed out to me this morning (I texted her as she's always been open about anxiety and how she deals with it) that I need to stop pinning inspirational quotes because actually, rather than being inspiring, they seem to be making me feel inadequate.  A good point and I never really thought of it like that.  I'm sure I can't be the only one feeling like this and I can only hope writing about it helps others feel like they're not alone having these thoughts.  It's not going to change anything but if it can make this experience any less lonely that can only be a good thing.

I was looking back through my instagram pictures the other day looking for a pub golf picture and I found this one and got upset.  I look so happy in it, despite the blurry bad picture, you can see my full on big grin showing too much gum, my eyes sparkling and I remember exactly how I felt then.  I had lost weight, was on a hen do with lovely friends and making new ones.  I was ovulating that weekend, it was an exciting time, back when I was still excited that each month we might make a baby and convinced it would happen soon after a year of trying.  That was August 2012, 18 months ago.  Not long before we went to the doctor and soon after, the heartbreak began.  I don't think I've felt that happy since.  I have lost myself.

January Joy - Learn Something New

by Bex

I love trying new things so this January Joy prompt from Florence Finds is a good one to get me thinking about what new things I'd like to have a go at this year.  I am not good at learning when it comes to reading about things, I was terrible at passing exams when I had to learn from books.  I had to repeat a year at university as a result.  When I was able to learn skills and practice them and do things, I could pick things up and remember them so easily, passing exams was easier after a certain stage, once the practical work started.  I'm a very visual learner it seems.

Anyway, I suspect that's why I love crafts so much, I love learning and doing practical things.  Over the last couple of years, since all the crafting and making things for our wedding, I have tried learning lots of new crafts, helped along by the fact I like blogging about them and of course, since I discovered Pinterest!

Recently (in the last couple of years) I've had a go at screen printing (where I met Roz), making decorations out of dough, making cards, making bath bombs, re-learning how to make friendship bracelets, felting and felting patches, a little bit of carpentry (an update on that tomorrow now Christmas is over!), making gift tags and bunting, I even made an apron.

Things I'd like to learn this year include making macarons (something I have been meaning to try for ages - I even have a recipe with tips from aDizzyGirl!), making a neon dream catcher (thanks to Foodie Historian for the pin), making soap (thanks to The Mrs Makes for the idea) and I want to get more adventurous with my sewing projects.  I have lots of half made or entirely unmade items of clothing to make but keep putting it off as I need to re-learn how to sew in zips and be more confident cutting and sewing more complicated designs than cushions and vests.  Especially since I would LOVE to make myself a maxi skirt out of this amazing green sequin fabric!  I also have a half made coat which I began when I still lived in Dundee (about 8 years ago) which I'd love to finish!

I'd also like to learn more about food & fashion photography, I really want to improve my pictures on the blog, especially outfit photos.  The problem is finding a willing subject to take pictures outdoors which would be the ideal.  I always end up just posing in front of the mirror and snapping myself.  If I'm stuck with myself as my own photographer, I might try setting up the tripod in the study instead and see if I can get better shots that way.   I love sharing my outfits, it makes me more experimental with my style and I love seeing other outfit photos as inspiration and want to do the same.  I just wish I could get better photos to represent my outfit ideas, I see so many amazing outfit photos on blogs like ThankFiFi, Florence Finds and on Pinterest, I just don't know how to get such quality photos by myself.  It doesn't help that when I do have a photographer (Nik) handy, I always feel a bit awkward knowing how to pose and he feels weird taking outfit photos of me in public so it's always done in a rush.  Any tips would be gratefully received!  :)

As far as learning from a personal development objective - I've already mentioned that I'm trying to adjust my attitude this year and learn to be happier with my life, even when things are going wrong.  I am really enjoying filling in my "Happy Diary" each day, especially since it's so pretty!  :)  It hasn't been easy to keep thinking positive, we're still in another state of limbo waiting for my MRI this time and all the while we're still learning of more and more people we know becoming pregnant.  I currently know 12 friends who are pregnant and at least 17 who have had babies since we found out we can't.  There's no getting away from it, we're at that age where our friends and colleagues are at a similar stage in life and starting families.  I am actually finding it easier these days to focus on being happy for them and less on being sad that it may never be us.  It's been a while since I cried over our situation (the last time was when my operation was unsuccessful) which I'm viewing as a success!  I want to learn to deal with it better for my own sake as well as my friends'.  I want to be cool Auntie Bex, not miserable, jealous Bex.

From the list above, I will have plenty of things to keep me occupied this year, whatever happens.  Learning new things is always a good way to live life and not dwell on the bad stuff I reckon!  And just maybe we'll finally learn some good news about my body and our chances of conceiving after my MRI.  :)

Review of the year 2013 - AKA, THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE

by Bex

I didn't do a review of the year last year.  2011 was an amazing year and I loved summing it all up on the blog.  Last year around this time we had learned that we would never make a baby the conventional way.  It was difficult to come to terms with and I just didn't know how to sum up a year of repeated disappointments trying to conceive followed by the shocking news that it would never work.

This year is really a year with two sides.  I promise it's not all depressing but I thought I'd get the horrid stuff over with first!  Although I've called it the worst year of my life, other than the obvious one big bad thing, it has actually been a pretty good year, it's taken me going back through the blog to realise this and I'm only sorry that I find it so hard to remember the good stuff sometimes!

So, this year we have come to terms with the fact that we will never get pregnant naturally, it's physically impossible.  I also have the ovarian reserve of a 45 year old at age 31.  It turns out there's something wrong with my eggs so without injecting sperm directly, they will not fertilise.  It transpired that my cervix is all bent and twisted and too narrow to get through to place the embryos we did eventually manage to get.  They weren't able to improve this access with an operation under GA.  I've had 2 rounds of IVF drugs and egg retrievals.  7 eggs were wasted the first time.  6 embryos were frozen the second time.  I've never had an embryo inside me.  Oh, and we've spent a fortune on all of these unpleasant and seemingly pointless treatments while awaiting our NHS appointment for 14 months now.  We're now facing a year where we may find out we will never get pregnant at all.

It is scary and utterly depressing.  And yet...

This year I have discovered just how many real friends I have.  And how caring they all are.  Even when I have been useless and paid next to no attention to what is going on in their lives, I have always received messages of excitement, support, good luck and love from SO many people in my life (some even before I had come out and admitted what was really stressing me out).  I honestly don't know how much more difficult this year would have been without them.  You.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272973021784/

We've had Nik's exams to contend with (which he did manage to pass and became a Mr again!) all while dealing with these repeated "disappointments".  Disappointment is not the right word but I don't know what is.  It hasn't been an easy year by any means.  We sometimes say to each other "at least we don't have cancer".  And while that's true and we do have each other and there are many things in my life I am grateful for and I know I have been very lucky in other aspects of life, when it comes to saying at least we don't have a horrific disease, it really isn't good.  I would happily give up our nice flat, lovely things and fancy holidays if it meant we could have a family.  Sadly it doesn't and although we hoped in this case that money might just buy us happiness with IVF, if it's not going to work, no amount of money will change that.

I don't want to spend much time dwelling on it now.  December is usually a happy month for me.  I have written enough depressing and potentially boring woe-is-me posts about our IVF issues.  So, on with the review of the year ignoring all the stuff that sucked!  (I need to remind myself of the good things often.)

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272972661978/

Some of these may feel like I'm clutching at straws but when life is shit, you just have to do whatever little things make you happy so you can keep getting up in the morning and carry on.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/250794272972661323/

We started the year at a wedding with good friends of ours and had a brilliant time.

Roz joined the blog and started writing about wine and her awesome new house renovation project.

I reconnected with an old friend who I hadn't heard from for 9 years and he came to stay.

Us in Jan 2013 and way back in 2000!  [The afro fancy dress was for the Millenium party at my house.  I still have that long cardi and those zebra wellies (see below!) and I wish I still had those legs!]

We started Pin It Do It, a challenge to get us and others doing some of the projects we all pin on Pinterest.

I bought a nifty fifty lens and really improved my food photography.

I had an awesome weekend in London for the ballet themed AOW Hen Do.

We went to South Korea for an amazing week of fun in Seoul.

(Where I mostly wore my coral maxi skirt!) 

And had a very tiring trip home!

I had my 15 minutes of fame ;)

My magazine debut in You magazine - in my zebra wellies from 1999!
(Also shortly followed by the same feature in Woman magazine.)

We went to Amy's gorgeous wedding in a field and met up with friends from all over the UK!

Nik and I went to see my parents in Malaysia and went diving, shopping, visiting friends and ate lots of sushi :)

Claire, Bella and I

And of course there were the gorgeous orangutans!

We went to Nik's cousin's amazing wedding weekend in London.

I stopped colouring my hair and embraced the greys.
We went to my cousin's fantastic wedding in Warrington.

Of course there was ODP2 for Halloween!  Best party weekend ever with the most awesome people!

We went to Durham for the Lumiere Light Festival.

Nik and I had fun making some fab shelves to display some Christmas ornaments along with this years' tree.

We had a lovely Christmas with Nik's parents.

And I had a fab girls' night in for my birthday since Nik was on nights.  I was so chuffed so many people made it given the awkward time of year :)

Watching Pitch Perfect before the food arrived

The massive chai spiced chocolate cheesecake I made using 1kg of cream cheese!
Complete with green burning candles ;)

The blog has really taken off this year with lots of new readers and we've been getting invited to some pretty amazing events, mainly involving food which, of course, I love!



I started craft club and set myself a reading challenge.  There have been a few outfits throughout the year and even though I found out I have some more health issues, I have been trying to improve my general health again losing some weight and doing more exercise which will definitely continue into the new year and will most likely mean a return to more of my style on the blog as I get more interested in looking nice again.

I refreshed some of the pages on the blog this year with an index of our wedding as well as our IVF story and a new about page including Roz.

Life really isn't bad, it's just sometimes difficult to remember that when the one big bad thing takes over my thoughts.  Writing this has helped, actually going back over my blog posts this last year has reminded me of all these small (and some not so small) things which are so good in our lives.  I'm lucky to be surrounded by family and friends and be able to eat out and buy nice things, explore the world and share all of my experiences here.  But by far the best thing this year has been all the new friends I have made and become closer to during this saga.  I am so lucky and so grateful to have them.  You know who you are, Mwah!  :D

But still, fingers crossed that my body stops fighting against us in 2014 please, so we can be blessed with the family we so desperately wish for!  :)