12 weeks

by Bex

This week has been an amazing turnaround for me.  We had our first antenatal appointment at the Southern General Hospital last week and met our consultant who runs the twin clinic.  We will have more than the usual number of check up appointments due to carrying twins, our next appointment is in June.  Anyway, she asked how I'd been and I explained I was coping but struggling with sickness and she asked if I would like something to help, I could have hugged her!  This week, I finally managed to get my prescription for Ondansetron and it has made the world of difference!  I now haven't been sick for 3 days and have been sleeping better.  I feel like myself again and I've been managing work so much easier this week.

Yesterday we had our 12 week scan and it was awesome!  One of the thoughts I used to struggle with was the thought of missing out on these pregnancy milestones and exciting stages.  I know a lot of the things I used to get upset about could be construed as superficial (photos, having a bump, etc) but the more meaningful things were just too painful to even think about.  Mostly, even though I knew I might struggle with sickness (I am terrible at coping with being ill!), I just really, really wanted to be able to experience everything involved in pregnancy and now that I'm feeling better, I can really appreciate everything else!

Watching our babies bouncing, waving and kicking was just amazing.  Baby number 2 (the one slightly higher up) was very well behaved and easy for our sonographer to measure and check everything she needed to in about 10 minutes.  We watched the legs stretching out and up and baby flipping its whole body which was just amazing as I can't feel anything yet and it just blows my mind to think of these gymnastics happening inside me right now!!

Baby 2 stretching those long legs up, touching its toes to the sac, its wee hand is resting on its belly

Baby number 1 was not quite so cooperative!  Lying looking away from us or almost in the correct position but refusing to turn its head despite the sonographer jiggling it with the ultrasound probe, getting me to cough, wiggle, dance and bump my hips up and down.

We were secretly quite pleased (despite some discomfort as she poked and prodded the probe into my tummy to try to get a better view) as we ended up being in there for another 30 minutes getting to watch our babies!  :)  It was really surreal watching it react to movements.  Baby 1 did eventually get into the right position but then wouldn't stop waving its hand in front of its face which made things difficult for the sonographer again but we got some great views of our mischievous baby saying hello!

In the end, we left with 10 pictures of the babies!  I'd been hoping for one of each so was delighted when she handed over a massive bundle for us!!  Obviously we love looking at them and our parents were blown away at the detail.  The two below are the ones with the best facial views (Baby 1 still has its hand in front of its mouth!)...

We also have one showing their heads from above, side by side.  Baby 1 is slightly bigger than Baby 2 but looks more so in this picture as its in a different position as well...

And just before we left, they were lying head to head as close as possible, so cute!

Its really sinking in that this is happening for us.  We're going to have actual babies!  We're doubling Team M!  I don't think I've ever felt this happy!


How far along: 12 weeks

Size comparison: limes

Weight gain: -7lbs

Cravings/food preferences: pickles - cornichons & silverskin onions, sweets, still mostly eating potato waffles sometimes with cheese on, expanding to salads and sandwiches now too, yay!

Symptoms: last week - evening sickness, tiredness, constipation - all the fun things!!  lol.
This week - mild nausea but feeling SO much better now I'm taking Ondansetron!  Also sleeping better.

20 fingers and 20 toes...

by Bex

... growing inside me right now!  Along with 2 strong, healthy heart beats (we saw the heart beats, not the fingers and toes!).

Although I am planning lots of posts in my head right now - holiday posts, bra shopping, more of my pregnancy diary - I have not been feeling up to writing.  I haven't even opened my laptop for days and have been tweeting from bed via my phone.  Luckily today I am feeling a bit better and more energised as I just couldn't resist writing more about this latest development!  As most of you now know (if you follow me on instagram or Twitter), we found out today (Monday) that we are expecting twins!

I have been convinced from the start that it was twins and have been constantly referring to 'the babies' making me feel sick when talking to Nik.  His panicked face cheers me up at my most nauseous times although I did manage to convince him to start researching double buggies so he was starting to come to terms with the fact it may well become reality!  His face at the scan when the nurse confirmed, "yep there are 2 in there" was still a picture though!  I wish I'd been prepared with my camera!  ;)

Image Source

As scary as it is, with thoughts of double trouble, hands full and even less sleep than with a single new baby, we are absolutely delighted, so excited and quite a bit terrified.  Of course it means we have a higher risk of miscarriage and complications, early labour, etc...  But it also means that if all does go well, we'll have our family and we won't have to go through the angst of IVF again (which we might have attempted again for a second child).  Given the difficulties we've had, there's no guarantee they would be able to successfully navigate my cervical canal again (maybe a birth would straighten it out a bit though??) so the fact we have our little 2 for 1 in there is just a dream come true.  Having gone from thinking we'd never be pregnant to having two little precious bundles growing inside me is just mind blowing!  We feel so lucky right now.

It does also explain why I've been struggling with so much nausea!  I suspect I've actually been pretty lucky as I am not physically sick every day and from what I've heard of hyperemesis gravidarum, it could be A LOT worse!  I do think the heat and then the jet lag were making it worse though so hopefully it will continue to improve as our wee babies grow.  In hindsight, we wouldn't have gone as far for our holiday, or for as long, but then we really, really weren't expecting this to work at all!

Anyway, I'm getting pretty tired again now, it's been another emotional day!  :)  I better get ready for bed if I'm going to make it through my first full (and long 9-7) day back at work tomorrow!!

Pregnancy so far - thoughts, feelings and symptoms

by Bex

Although I have always written about everything we've faced throughout our IVF treatment, now that things seem to be going right, I am a bit more apprehensive about it.  Obviously I am super excited and really want to write about everything (and as I said, I think it gives a different view on early pregnancy as I can write about it as we go unlike many others who keep it secret for weeks) but I am also very aware of tempting fate.  Although we have finally made it this far, we are very conscious of the fact that so many things can still go wrong.  That might sound very pessimistic but I'm trying to be realistic.  As you know it's been a hard slog to get to this stage.  I truly lost hope that it would ever happen and now we're actually pregnant if we end up disappointed again I know I will take it extremely hard.  Obviously the positive is that we now know we CAN get pregnant but I'm so scared of losing this baby.

I'm also acutely aware that anyone who was following our IVF story and is in a similar situation, may now find anything I write extremely difficult to read, I know I felt like that when it seemed everyone else was getting their happy endings except for me (and Claire).  The thing is, and I hope this doesn't sound unreasonable, as much as I was jealous and sometimes found it hard to say my congratulations, I never begrudged anyone their happiness.  If I found it hard, I would either say nothing or say congratulations and then take myself away from the news, the happy messages and the joy.  I knew that if my turn did ever come that I would want to shout it from the rooftops too.  I want to be able to enjoy this time and share it with those who have supported me all along.  Having so often shared sad news and setbacks, it was so much fun and brought me so much happiness to be able to share our happy news (even if it was with a piece of plastic I'd peed on!)  Having waited so long to get to be a part of the pregnancy conversations and join in the baby chat without those feelings of jealousy and longing, I really want to immerse myself in being pregnant, finally being one of SO many of my friends who has been blessed with a positive result.

If anyone reading this or seeing my tweets/pins does find it hard, I completely understand.  I get it, I was there, I know the feelings.  I hope that you make it too and in the meantime, please try to understand my OTT reaction.  We finally get to be happy and really look forward.  By all means, stop reading and following if it's too much but please don't try to make me feel bad for sharing my happy news.  We deserve this, just like anyone else who's pregnant.  I'm sorry that so many of us struggle to get pregnant or give birth to healthy babies and I feel OH SO LUCKY just to have made it this far.  I am allowed to be ecstatic.  I am allowed to share my news and be happy in public.  Just as I shared my sadness.  If you don't get it or you don't like it, just leave.  Leave my feed, my blog, whatever, but please don't make me feel guilty.  There is already an element of that, now that we get to be the ones who are happy but to have it pointed out to us on our happiest days just seems cruel.  (If you didn't see this - yes, it happened, on the day I announced we were pregnant and it is hard and sad and I am trying not to let it get me down.)

So I will continue to write.  I want to be sensitive to those who are still struggling or who have had to deal with the most harrowing of losses but I have always written about my experiences on here and whatever happens, good or bad, I will write.  Obviously I'm hoping for good!

Anyway, this post was initially going to be about my pregnancy so far but obviously I had quite a bit relating to it on my mind.  I'm currently in week 5 of my pregnancy and have suffered only mild symptoms so far.  If I don't eat when I feel hungry (i.e. if I wake up super early as I have been and wait too long for breakfast) then I start to feel nauseous.  I am seriously tired most of the time.  I'd heard about this from many pregnant friends and while we're in Thailand I feel like it's a terrible waste as I have about 2 naps per day!  Goodness knows how I'll cope when I have to work and have no time for naps!  I'm trying to swim once a day to keep my body healthy and keep my energy levels up.  I'm pretty sure my body shape is still the same, other than my boobs being bigger (which Penny and Roz are loving pointing out on instagram!  lol).  I wasn't as fit as I wanted to be before the implantation so after a meal I can look like I have a bump already but to be honest, that was true even before!

[Edit: I'm now in week 6 and the pregnancy sickness (because it's clear it's not just in the morning) has really taken hold!  As much as I hate myself for complaining, oh it's hard.  I have no idea how so many women keep this first stage a secret while suffering so much, especially at work!  I remember Katie talking about the struggles she'd had travelling on the underground while sick and it just sounded awful!  I just keep telling myself it's a good sign, I wanted this (and paid for it!) and all the articles I read say that sickness is an indicator that you will likely have a healthy pregnancy with less chance of miscarriage.  So, yay for the horrendous nausea!  It does mean that I am no longer enjoying the yummy thai food, spiciness really isn't working for me right now but luckily both hotels have a good range of international foods all of which have been lovely.]

I have, of course as someone who loves knowledge, signed up to a weekly embryo and pregnancy information email and last week's advised me that calcium was particularly important for that stage of development.  I was a little worried that I might not manage to get enough in Thailand as I would be unlikely to be drinking milk (I'm not, the stuff they have out for the cereal isn't chilled enough) but it's actually been easy.  I'm taking pregnancy vitamins anyway but every day at breakfast I've had a decaf latte (the hotel makes really good ones!), some yoghurt from the buffet and miso soup which has a lot of tofu in it (a good source according to the email).  I really don't like slimy tofu but have been slurping down lumps of it with the soup every morning.

The food I was enjoying before the sickness kicked in!

Since we've moved to our new hotel this week, it's been a little bit more of a struggle at breakfast as we realised we'd been pretty spoiled at Swissotel.  They don't have decaf here, there's no miso soup, they don't have boiled eggs ready (waiting 10 minutes as well as getting them to understand that soft yolks are a bad thing is a bit annoying when you just need to eat!), they don't have smoothies (our last hotel spoiled us with 2 healthy option drinks at breakfast each morning - most of the 'juices' are actually squash, yuck), the yoghurt here is all incredibly sweet and the smells of the fatty foods here turn my stomach.  However, I discovered just this morning that the milk here at breakfast is VERY chilled and therefore I'm loving drinking that, yay!  I'm also finding potato is what helps with my nausea so I'm having fries with everything, even soup!

One of the major things I noticed in the first couple of weeks following implantation was my thirst!  I usually find it difficult to drink the recommended volume of water each day but I was constantly thirsty and downing 500ml bottles of sparkling water like nobody's business.  Obviously keeping that up in this hot, humid weather has also been easy and I've been enjoying the odd fruity mocktail as well.  And since my nausea has been worse, we've been buying 'dry ginger'.  We're not convinced it has any actual ginger in it but I like it and it seems to help.

Happy hour - My Shirley Temple and Nik's Mai Tai

I'm being as cautious as I can, considering how precious this wee embryo is to us and although I might be missing some of my usual foodie favourites and cocktails, I am still enjoying what food I can eat, safe in the knowledge I am doing the best I can for our baby.  I want it safe in there for as long as possible and missing out on the odd treat is nothing in comparison to the joy we feel that we have been given our chance.  I am actually pregnant!  We still keep saying this to each other.  It's amazing how difficult it is to get it to sink in!!

Saying that, we're enjoying being able to have the fun chats we always dreamed of.  Last week, on the super rainy day when I built a den on our balcony, we sat and made a list of baby names using a website as inspiration.  This week, I've introduced Nik to my 'baby stuff' Pinterest board and he loves most of the ideas on there.  We started a nursery ideas board together (and he now has the power to pin things to my boards, eek!) after seeing some lights we both liked at the thai market we went to last night (I know, I said I didn't want to tempt fate but sometimes you just have to grab opportunities) which have been purchased for our new home when we move.  I like them anyway, not just for a nursery.  It's fun being able to think about things like this again.  I haven't let myself for so long.