Monday, 23 September 2013

Maybe Not

We left this morning at 11am for a 10 minute simple procedure without the need for sedation to give us our chance at becoming pregnant.  We finally had embryos.  We were getting so many lovely good luck messages and positive vibes sent our way.  We were so excited.  5 hours later and we're home.  And I'm still empty.  It is becoming seriously difficult to stay positive when we keep facing so many problems.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/184718022189709896/

It seems that everytime we overcome one rare and unusual and devastating hurdle we're presented with another one.  Everytime I think we might actually get a real chance to become pregnant, something else goes wrong.  It started in the beginning and it just doesn't seem to end.  As much as I want to be pleased and concentrate on the fact we managed to get so many, decent embryos, all I can think about is not again.  Is this ever going to happen for us?  Are we the most unlucky IVF couple ever?  Probably not but it does often seem that way.  We seem to get all of these unexpected issues and as a result, are completely unprepared for them.

They weren't able to implant our embryos (we did decide on two after a long discussion and difficult deliberation) as my uterus turned out to be at a right angle to the cervix and despite them trying, getting the consultant and him trying, giving up to let me pee (it was getting critical after drinking so much to fill my bladder and then 35 minutes in theatre) then waiting a couple of hours to try again at the end of the list.  They just can't get in there.  We are now faced with 2 options.  He has referred us for a hysteroscopy on the NHS (it's £2000 privately) to dilate and stretch my cervix.  He will then try again under sedation next time so he can manipulate me more (although he said I was very tolerant of all the uncomfortable poking and prodding today) to try to get in there.  Obviously this means our embryos have to be frozen as we'll be waiting weeks on the NHS.  That is IF our embryos can be frozen.  They're looking good but we have to wait a couple more days to see if they make it to blastocyst stage before freezing and we may end up with none again. It also means the success rates go down compared to a fresh cycle.

If that doesn't work, it never will and our only option then is a surrogate.  Apparently it is extremely rare for this not to work but then so are all the other things that have gone wrong.

I just keep trying to remember that even with my abysmal AMH, we produced way more eggs than they expected (1-3 and we got 7 then 9).  After they failed to fertilise, we tried again and managed to get 8 really good embryos.  Now we just need to try and get them inside me!  I feel like we haven't even had a proper chance to be pregnant yet as we've never succeeded in getting any embryos actually where they need to be!

I'm not sure how much more I can take to be honest.  It is the worst emotional rollercoaster ever.  I do not cope well with the unexpected.  Every time we are built up with a bit of good news we end up dropping from a great height with the worst, unexpected news and I am constantly worrying about our future.  Even though I know that it's pointless.

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17 comments:

Kirsty | A Safe Mooring said...

Oh Bex, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Sending you all the love and hugs I have xxxxx

Fee said...

This is so unfair. I know it's so f***ing hard but don't give up hope. If you feel like you don't believe anymore, I'll keep believing for you. So much love xxx

Lorna said...

Oh Bex what a totally shit day. I'm so sorry. Fingers crossed for a short waiting list. Hope Nik and your mum are taking really good care of you. Sending much love. x

Ashleigh M said...

Oh I'm sorry, how frustrating for you. Hope the next few weeks go as planned and quickly. I'll keep everything crossed for you xoxox

Vonnie said...

Bex I just don't know what to say my love, I'm just so sorry this is happening. Lots and lots of hugs to you guys tonight x

Siobhan said...

Oh that is just so unfair and horrible Bex. I just wish this was not happening to you xx sending you so much love xx

Claire said...

Oh Bex, there are no words for this crap. I am so so sorry you are being faced with challenges at every turn. I hope you are getting plenty of hugs from Nik and your Mum and I hope you don't need to wait to long on the nhs xx

Joan Hunter Dunn said...

Keeping holding each other tightly. All love to you both x

Emma R said...

Im so sorry to hear about your troubles. Hope that you wont be waiting long before you can carry on with the process. I know its hard not to worry, but do keep thinking of how much had happened so far. Sending you lots of love, Emma x

Amanda M said...

Oh no, I'm so sorry. Sending you all love. Feels not enough - wish I could do more.

Emma said...

:( keep going, have you thought of fostering? Xxxx

Amanda said...

Oh dear Bex, I am so sorry for this. I am still praying that your beautiful embryos will make it further, so that they can be safely frozen.
I really hope the hysteroscopy will work, and that soon you will be able to continue with this.
Sending you all the love. Like Fee said, when you have trouble hoping and believing, we will do it for you (and feel free to email too). Huge hugs to you both.

Liz said...

So sorry to hear that you have another hurdle to cross. Sending lots of love xx

aDizzyGirl said...

Oh Bex, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I have everything crossed for you and Nik and I really hope that the procedure works and your embryos can be frozen. xx

Rebecca@FlorenceFinds said...

Oh Bex, I can't believe this. It's one thing after another.

I'm thinking of you as that's all I can do xxx

Vics said...

I'm so so sorry to read this, it must be so frustrating after things going so well to start with.
If you have any questions or want to talk about the hysteroscopy, I literally just had one last Thursday so am more than happy to tell you how it went and what to expect! Please do email me/tweet me (@vicsr) if you want to know anything about it!
Fingers and toes crossed for you!
x

Lara said...

Dearest wonderful Bex, I am sending you so much love. I can only hope that this streak of horrible rare difficulties ends with this. If fairness and merit came into this then I know that you wouldn't be going through this right now and for that I am so sorry. Sending you massive hugs xxxx

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