That smile you gave me!

by Bex

With my family living so far away, I really do find that my friends mean so much to me and so many of them are like family.  Although Mum was able to be here during our most recent IVF cycle, it's such a comfort knowing that I have my friends all around to help support us through this, especially now my parents are gone again for another year (possibly longer).

Life recently has been particularly rough but it's been made SO much better by my friends and family.  I am picking myself up again and with these amazing people around me it is hard to stay down for long.

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I wrote about the things I find difficult to hear, especially during the tough weeks following bad news.  I really want to share some of the awesome words I have been sent recently.  It also demonstrates one of the reasons why find it helps me so much to be open about this whole horrendous episode of our lives - how amazing you have all been.  When I really needed to hear these things I received them in droves!  I hope that some of these words might also help others in a similar situation, especially the poem.

Having asked permission from the relevant people, here are a few snippets.  All of them made me cry but in a good way.  I feel so loved and supported with all of these surprise messages (and gifts!) from friends and family, be they in the form of cards, emails, tweets, comments, texts... thank you!  I am reminded that although I feel so unlucky at times, I am so, so lucky to have friends like these.  I feel a bit like I'm showing off (and I've specifically not included the lovely words some people have sent specifically about how they see me as that would just be weird) but I just wanted to show that going through this is most definitely not always the bad stuff and it's definitely true what they say about knowing who your friends are when you need them because although I've only met some of these people once or twice, they've really rallied round!  I can't believe I have so many amazing people in my life!  (I know, I am being super cheesy but I don't care!)  Whether it be those who have been my cheerleaders when things are going well, who've listened to me and my dramatic tales of woe each time another hurdle is thrown up, those who have helped distract me with shopping trips, helping with crafts or nights out or those who have sent tweets, cards and/or gifts, you've all been so wonderful and patient when I'm stuck in a slump.

The day after our failed attempt at implantation, Roz gave me a bag full of goodies - crisps, chocolate, St Agur cheese, figs & mascarpone (for one of my favourite recipes!), 2 really lovely postcards and some Lush treats - bubble bath and a face mask.  She also lent me her giant Eeyore for cuddles on the sofa when Nik's not home!  :)

It turned the bathwater green!!  :)

Gemma sent me a hilarious card with a lovely message inside including this quote:

"None could be strong if we did not go through countless wrong."

Aisling sent me a wonderful email when she first heard that we failed again:

"On an everything else level, you must remember how loved you are, Bex. So many people are rooting for you, are here to catch you, here to love you. Don't feel alone, not for a second. 

One day at a time. That's literally all you can do and I know how badly that sucks."

And a couple of weeks later this amazing spotty parcel showed up at home...

She wrote cute wee messages on each individually wrapped parcel (with fab Rob Ryan tape I might add!), some favourite examples are the pink fluffy socks which said "So fluffy I'm gonna die!" (a quote from Despicable Me in case you haven't seen it!) and a lovely Rob Ryan notebook which said "A place to put your thoughts when they don't fit in your head anymore x" which she also wrote a wee note inside for me.

It arrived during my lunch hour but I didn't have time to open them all so I took them all back to work with me as I couldn't wait!!

I will plan a much more fabulous outfit with it soon but it definitely jazzed up my slouchy vest :)

 Fluffy socks and sparkly socks!

The rest of the goodies were: a glittery nail varnish, chilli chocolate, salted chocolate, gold leaf hair clips, and a Love sign which is now a feature in our hall  :)

My lovely in-laws also sent me a card to say they were thinking of me and to say they are always there with love and hugs when I need them.  They're coming up this weekend to see us now Nik's exam is over and to enjoy a few cocktails!  :)

Anna instagrammed me a lovely picture of a dandelion clock she wished on for me when we went in for the implantation.  "This one's for @olivedragonflybex a big wish and all the prayers, love and good luck for you today."

My Auntie only recently found out all the details of everything we've been through this year and send us some gorgeous orchids and chocolates and what was quite possibly the perfect email.  It's almost as if she read my post about what not to say and managed to do the exact opposite, hitting exactly the right note of caring, understanding and just plain lovely:

"I can obviously never understand how you must feel about this particular heartache. I can only imagine that it has been devastating for you both to get to that stage this time & still not be able to have the embryos implanted. I feel for you chick & wish I could do more than offer some words of empathy & support. It’s at times like these that you really feel the distance from your family & wish you could just pop round to offer some sort of help, whatever form that takes. I’m so glad your Mum is with you this time, that must be a blessing, and you have some fantastic friends who I’m sure are worth their weight in gold right now. 

It’s wonderful to hear that they are able to freeze the eggs, it gives you hope, & I hope too with all my heart that they can sort you out & get ‘em in their rightful place next time. I am a great believer in the power of positivity, although I know that must be so tough for you right now. All the love & positive thoughts coming your way, through whatever source, can only be a good thing at this difficult time. I have everything crossed for you honey & am sending wave after wave of positive vibes down this wire."

Sarah MacP sent me a gorgeous card with a dandelion clock on it containing this gorgeous poem and why it means so much to her:

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the sail,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet never in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson 1830-1866

And when she came round to see me at the weekend, she brought me these gorgeous flowers!

Penny sent me a parcel containing a beautiful card which said "I wanted to send something you can have near you to remind you of who you are - our very special Dragonfly Bex.  Sometimes when life gets crazy it's easy to forget yourself, but who you are at your very centre is the thing that will get you through this.  And whenever you might be losing sight of yourself, we'll all be here to remind you" (That wasn't the end of the sentence but it's the bit I wanted to share.)  She also drew a doodle of a dragonfly :)  And inside the box was this gorgeous dragonfly bracelet!  I love it!

And this awesome comment from Fee: "This is so unfair. I know it's so f***ing hard but don't give up hope. If you feel like you don't believe anymore, I'll keep believing for you. So much love xxx"

And Amanda: "Sending you all the love. Like Fee said, when you have trouble hoping and believing, we will do it for you (and feel free to email too). Huge hugs to you both."

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A couple of weeks ago one of my most amazing friends, Vikki, came down to stay for the weekend with her adorable 2 year old daughter.  The plans I had for the weekend with my parents were cancelled as my brother unexpectedly returned from working offshore so Dad delayed coming up here and Mum headed down to England to spend the weekend with him and his girlfriend who just moved in.  Vikki came to spend the weekend with me instead and I am so grateful.  Although was feeling so, so tired during those first couple of weeks and trying to keep distracted, it was nice to have some company while Nik was in the library all the time again for his next exam and everything was still so raw.  Before she arrived she also sent me this awesome balloon which she knew would make me smile...

It's smiley AND GREEN!

(I didn't even know you could send balloons but it arrived in a huge, very light box causing some intense discussion at work over what could be inside!)

Having them to stay was the perfect distraction and we had a lot of fun.  We went for a walk to our local park on the sunny Saturday.  It's always nice to visit our wedding venue in the park and we saw a bride about to head in to get married which brought back lots of happy memories!  Emily loved playing on the swings and spotting ducks in the pond as we walked around the park.

On the way back we stopped for cake at a lovely nearby cafe, Moyra Jane's.  I had the sticky toffee pudding (as they'd sold out of my favourite banoffee pie) and Vikki and Emily shared a meringue that was bigger than Emily's head!  (In fact it might have been even bigger than mine!)

We spent the rest of the afternoon watching Despicable Me with some Passionfruit Cider (us, not Emily!) before enjoying a delicious pulled pork dinner with cheesy mash when Nik got home!

On a rather dreich Sunday we focussed on food and had a delicious breakfast of poached eggs, followed by croissants with Vikki's delicious homemade plum & lime jam and then my favourite fig recipe with mascarpone!  :)  So good I even forgot to take pictures!!

After breakfast, Nik headed back to the library so Vikki, Emily and I went off to Whole Foods Market to search for freeze dried raspberries for my meringue recipe for baking club that afternoon.  Vikki and Emily helped lick the baking spoons before they had to leave and I went off to bake club.  It was so lovely to see them and I was so glad they could make it down :)

So many awesome cards!

Im doing better again now (it usually takes a couple of weeks for me to pull myself together) and life has returned to normal after being away for my cousin's wedding.  I've been busy planning to make ODP2 the best weekend ever and am finally getting back into writing and sorting out the flat.  I've also started to get back into reading again - I find it so difficult to concentrate on even enjoyable things like reading following each failed treatment cycle.  It also helps that Nik's exam is now over!  He won't know the result for a few weeks but it'll be nice just to spend evenings together again.  (Well, after this week of nights is over!!)  :)