by Bex
This week on the blog I shared my pictures of the Lumiere festival in Durham and Roz updated us on the amazing progress her and B have made on their Forever Home as well as her desire for a pup to join their family. I also had a post prepared a while back all about the best way to eat a chocolate biscuit, ever!
It's been a funny week for me, I've still not really been feeling like writing much. I finally found time to finish The Mortal Instruments trilogy which I really enjoyed (although the middle book was slow going) and have just started reading Divergent which Mahj and Roz have been pestering me to read for months! (I was refusing until the final book was out although I've since heard it's not a great ending.)
Anyway, I'm very excited that it is December at last for two reasons. I am excited about Christmas and lots more little projects I have planned for this month - craft club, baking club, making things, wrapping presents, buying a tree, decorating... Lots of things to keep me occupied. I'm also very glad that this year is nearly over. It's safe to say that 2013 has been the worst of my life. So far. I am also terrified that 2014 might be worse but I still just want this year to be over with. If my operation is not successful and we can't get our embryos inside me, I will never be pregnant. I've hardly dared to think about that as it's something I'd always taken for granted and I really will struggle to cope if this is the end of all our hope for our own family. I'm currently waiting the appointment for the procedure to dilate my cervix, we're on the waiting list and have been told it is short and we might even have it done before Christmas. It does mean that our next attempt at implantation will not be until next year and it just reminds me of how I always thought I'd have a child by the time I was 30 or at least be pregnant. I turn 32 at the end of this year and we're as yet no closer to achieving our dream of having a family despite a year of treatment.
When I think about our future at the moment it's just empty. Not just because of this but Nik is currently in the process of applying for his training post in Maxillofacial surgery. With 1 job in Scotland and the other 19 in England and Wales, we have no idea where we might end up next year. He has to rank all of the jobs in order of preference. All of the applicants (of which there are much more than 20!) are also ranked according to points for various things such as training courses, their interview, exam results, publications.... The person with the highest ranking gets their first choice of job and so on. We literally have no idea where we might be in August next year. We also have no idea what might be happening with regards to possible pregnancy/adoption and obviously moving during either of those things will be stressful/not possible. Even then, we still can't start thinking about finding a Forever Home. After 5 years it will be a case of trying to find a consultant position wherever they happen to be available. You can see why I'm trying not to think about it all!
I'm trying not to get depressed and end up wallowing again so to keep my mind off everything horrible in our lives I am concentrating on the fun things. After yesterday's tragedy in Glasgow, I really want to make an effort to be happy with what we do have, as difficult as it may be at times. This weekend Nik has been helping me with a project I've wanted to do since I first saw it on Pinterest two Christmases ago!
I've never managed to find a small display unit like this so eventually decided to make my own! We found a great salvage yard by chance (Roz, you HAVE to go there!) and bought some wood to try to build our shelves with. I can't wait to fill it with all my favourite decorations. Despite a few wee arguments, DIY does not bring out the best in me, it's turned out really well and should be finished on Thursday! We had thought we'd need a workmate to cut the wood with the jigsaw but we managed just on our kitchen counter helping each other hold it, I had a go on the jigsaw too and was in charge of the chiselling :)
On our way home from shopping for wood, we stopped off for a spontaneous early dinner after missing lunch. We ended up in The Finnieston and had a fantastic fishy meal. Hopefully I'll get back into blogging properly again and tell you all about it and all of the Christmas projects I've been working on!
As for my weight loss plan, it's still going well with 2 trips to the pool this week, a quick half hour youtube pilates video and lots of walking to work. (I've been walking in the morning, home at lunch and then taking the car in the afternoon so I can drive home when it's dark - I hate walking to and from work in the dark as it's not the nicest area. There have been stabbings in the past and a very recent mugging right outside where I work! Not to mention that it's more difficult to dodge all the dog poo in the dark! Yeh, really not a nice area and not a nice walk but it does give me 30 minutes of free exercise every day!) The diet's been going well too and I've managed to stay under my net calorie goal easily on work days this week, not so much at the weekend when I am more sedentary with lots of crafts and wee jobs at home to be getting on with.
The good news is, my new battery for my scales finally arrived! I had suspected (optimistically) that I wasn't really 14 stone as when I was weighed at my doctor's I was fully clothed including shoes and it was at the end of the day. I always try to weigh myself first thing in the morning when I am completely empty and naked. (Every little helps!) I weighed myself the morning after they arrived and have already dropped 10 lbs!!! Obviously that's rather a lot in 2 weeks and I haven't been trying THAT hard so I suspect the initial weight was wrong but it certainly gave me the extra kick I needed to get healthy again! :) I'm going to use this weight (185.8) as my start weight as I think it's more accurate using my own scales.
This week's best simple, delicious and healthy recipe is my always different, Random Vegetable Soup - this version contained 1 onion, 1 clove garlic, 5 stalks of celery, 1 large potato, 1/4 red cabbage, 1/2 broccoli, 1 tomato and a handful of spinach. Yum!
Start Weight = 185.8 lbs
Current weight = 184.5 lbs
Total Loss = 1.6 lbs
This week on the blog I shared my pictures of the Lumiere festival in Durham and Roz updated us on the amazing progress her and B have made on their Forever Home as well as her desire for a pup to join their family. I also had a post prepared a while back all about the best way to eat a chocolate biscuit, ever!
It's been a funny week for me, I've still not really been feeling like writing much. I finally found time to finish The Mortal Instruments trilogy which I really enjoyed (although the middle book was slow going) and have just started reading Divergent which Mahj and Roz have been pestering me to read for months! (I was refusing until the final book was out although I've since heard it's not a great ending.)
Anyway, I'm very excited that it is December at last for two reasons. I am excited about Christmas and lots more little projects I have planned for this month - craft club, baking club, making things, wrapping presents, buying a tree, decorating... Lots of things to keep me occupied. I'm also very glad that this year is nearly over. It's safe to say that 2013 has been the worst of my life. So far. I am also terrified that 2014 might be worse but I still just want this year to be over with. If my operation is not successful and we can't get our embryos inside me, I will never be pregnant. I've hardly dared to think about that as it's something I'd always taken for granted and I really will struggle to cope if this is the end of all our hope for our own family. I'm currently waiting the appointment for the procedure to dilate my cervix, we're on the waiting list and have been told it is short and we might even have it done before Christmas. It does mean that our next attempt at implantation will not be until next year and it just reminds me of how I always thought I'd have a child by the time I was 30 or at least be pregnant. I turn 32 at the end of this year and we're as yet no closer to achieving our dream of having a family despite a year of treatment.
When I think about our future at the moment it's just empty. Not just because of this but Nik is currently in the process of applying for his training post in Maxillofacial surgery. With 1 job in Scotland and the other 19 in England and Wales, we have no idea where we might end up next year. He has to rank all of the jobs in order of preference. All of the applicants (of which there are much more than 20!) are also ranked according to points for various things such as training courses, their interview, exam results, publications.... The person with the highest ranking gets their first choice of job and so on. We literally have no idea where we might be in August next year. We also have no idea what might be happening with regards to possible pregnancy/adoption and obviously moving during either of those things will be stressful/not possible. Even then, we still can't start thinking about finding a Forever Home. After 5 years it will be a case of trying to find a consultant position wherever they happen to be available. You can see why I'm trying not to think about it all!
I'm trying not to get depressed and end up wallowing again so to keep my mind off everything horrible in our lives I am concentrating on the fun things. After yesterday's tragedy in Glasgow, I really want to make an effort to be happy with what we do have, as difficult as it may be at times. This weekend Nik has been helping me with a project I've wanted to do since I first saw it on Pinterest two Christmases ago!
I've never managed to find a small display unit like this so eventually decided to make my own! We found a great salvage yard by chance (Roz, you HAVE to go there!) and bought some wood to try to build our shelves with. I can't wait to fill it with all my favourite decorations. Despite a few wee arguments, DIY does not bring out the best in me, it's turned out really well and should be finished on Thursday! We had thought we'd need a workmate to cut the wood with the jigsaw but we managed just on our kitchen counter helping each other hold it, I had a go on the jigsaw too and was in charge of the chiselling :)
On our way home from shopping for wood, we stopped off for a spontaneous early dinner after missing lunch. We ended up in The Finnieston and had a fantastic fishy meal. Hopefully I'll get back into blogging properly again and tell you all about it and all of the Christmas projects I've been working on!
As for my weight loss plan, it's still going well with 2 trips to the pool this week, a quick half hour youtube pilates video and lots of walking to work. (I've been walking in the morning, home at lunch and then taking the car in the afternoon so I can drive home when it's dark - I hate walking to and from work in the dark as it's not the nicest area. There have been stabbings in the past and a very recent mugging right outside where I work! Not to mention that it's more difficult to dodge all the dog poo in the dark! Yeh, really not a nice area and not a nice walk but it does give me 30 minutes of free exercise every day!) The diet's been going well too and I've managed to stay under my net calorie goal easily on work days this week, not so much at the weekend when I am more sedentary with lots of crafts and wee jobs at home to be getting on with.
The good news is, my new battery for my scales finally arrived! I had suspected (optimistically) that I wasn't really 14 stone as when I was weighed at my doctor's I was fully clothed including shoes and it was at the end of the day. I always try to weigh myself first thing in the morning when I am completely empty and naked. (Every little helps!) I weighed myself the morning after they arrived and have already dropped 10 lbs!!! Obviously that's rather a lot in 2 weeks and I haven't been trying THAT hard so I suspect the initial weight was wrong but it certainly gave me the extra kick I needed to get healthy again! :) I'm going to use this weight (185.8) as my start weight as I think it's more accurate using my own scales.
This week's best simple, delicious and healthy recipe is my always different, Random Vegetable Soup - this version contained 1 onion, 1 clove garlic, 5 stalks of celery, 1 large potato, 1/4 red cabbage, 1/2 broccoli, 1 tomato and a handful of spinach. Yum!
Start Weight = 185.8 lbs
Current weight = 184.5 lbs
Total Loss = 1.6 lbs
6 comments:
I bought some scales recently too as I suspected our old ones weren't working very well as I could gain/lose 5lbs in a day according to them. We now have digital ones and I still find it can be very variable! I tend to weigh myself at night (also without any clothes on, you're right every little helps!) as I feel that is at my heaviest, so when I am usually feeling most chubs! I think if you weigh yourself consistently (i.e. always in the morning and on the same floor surface) then that's probably much more accurate. Good work on the weight loss already.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment. I can't even imagine how hard it must be not knowing where you will be next year, whether you have to move, find new jobs etc, what will happen with the IVF. It must all seem so much at times. I think we are all wishing you a much better 2014. xxx
Bex, I'm sorry there's so much uncertainty at the moment. I think your honesty & positivity are so inspirational.
I know it is wildly irritating and inaccurate when people say 'I know how you feel' as they never do but I will share that 2012 and the first half of 2013 were the worst I could have imagined. I felt like I was drowning in despair.
I'm still not entirely out of the woods but at my 20 week scan it was discovered that my cervix (why do our cervixes have such bad attitudes?!) had performed a trick that is considered medically practically impossible & semi repaired itself. I am keeping everything crossed that yours will do something similar in time for your next appointment.
I guess my point is that if you had told me in April this year where I'd be now, I would have thought you were insane. I hope with all of my heart that this time next year sees you in a place where you have all that your heart desires.
In the meantime, hang onto your lovely husband and remember that you have a whole crowd here cheering you on. Lots of love x
Bex, can I just say that your absolute will to be positive is inspiring. I know this year has been tough for you, and It sucks. Big time.
That box shelf is dead cute!
Fingers crossed that 2014 is a great year for you and Nik. You're due some good luck xx
M-J you're so right! I always put the scales on the same tile in our bathroom so all 4 feet are on the same one too.
Thanks for the support and positive vibes everyone! xx
Bex,
This is the hardest part of infertility-keeping the belief that you will get pregnant going. You have had it HARD with your treatment and the failures. But you WILL get there. Don't give up. If the cervix procedure and the next FET don't work, ask for a second opinion, go elsewhere, save up the cash and go private if you want/can.
In the mean time, keep up the healthy eating, exercise, drink lots of water, meditate, have regular acupuncture somewhere with a practitioner who is renowned for fertility support. See the time between now and your next FET as a blessing, its an opportunity to overhaul your body and get into the best possible shape for conception. Almost behave as if you are pregnant; no caffeine, no alcohol. I know this sounds extreme and not much fun, but it did work for me and it made me feel as if I was doing every possible thing I could to try and get the treatment to work. I couldn't blame myself for it not working if I put in every effort.
Get Nik on board with the healthy lifestyle too-our problem was from both me and my husband. My husband's sperm count improved by 4 million between one treatment and another-it was exciting and amazing to hear that. That was the cycle we conceived in-the second cycle after our previous miscarriage.
Keep your inspirational positivity-every one in 'blog land' seems to feel how positive you are-it's wonderful. Keep it up-it makes you, you. Keep that wonderful smile beaming. You can get there and should you choose to pursue adoption instead, you will also get to be a mummy, just through a different route. You will need to grieve for the loss of any of your own pregnancies-however, you are NOT there yet and may not ever get there.
Keep smiling, put your health and the future treatments and procedures first, you never know what might be in store for 2014.
Lots of love and good wishes.
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